Tik tok tik tok

That tik tok thing? That’s the biological clock. Which I’m pretty sure I don’t have one. What got me thinking about this is this article I read in Elle Magazine about Baby Lust and when is a good time to embark on the journey of parenthood.

I’m a lot like the author in that I never felt the urge to have children. It was not a pressing matter for me and I really didn’t have a view of what my future was supposed to look like. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t at all regret it or wish anything was different about it. They are no doubt the best thing I’ve ever done. But really, I don’t have a maternal bone in my body. I’m not a natural nurturer. When I see women like that I feel jealous, like I’ve missed out on something. My children bring me joy, but unlike those women, I need a lot more to be happy.

I was 25 when I got married and until that time if you’d asked me if I wanted kids I’d have said something like “I dunno” or “Maybe some day.” To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to get married. I’m not sure I thought I’d ever get the chance. But that’s something I can save for another blog post.

You see, I’m sure that my incredibly non-traditional upbringing, my mother’s futile attempts at child rearing and my father’s near constant absence from my life, all play a role in my mothering demeanor (or lack thereof). It’s hard to learn to be a parent when you don’t really have any parents to show you how. I try to go against my instincts to be and do more than what comes naturally to me, which is very little in the way of mothering. It’s a stretch. I’m not a woman who gets all gooey about baking cookies with my son, I’d rather he not be in the kitchen making messes. I don’t get excited about sitting down to read books with them, do puzzles or build Lego skyscrapers. I’m definitely not a glitter project mom. Again, I hate messes. Did I mention that I’m not very motherly? Just making sure.

The things I love with my kids are family outings. Walks in the sunshine. Hanging out at the beach. Cuddling on the couch…or anywhere for that matter. I LOVE to cuddle my kids. I love watching them grow into people with thoughts and feelings and personalities all their own. I love tucking them in at night. I love the open armed run to me when I pick Felix up off the bus, and the happy squeal from Fiona when I walk into the room. I may not be real good at the mom gig, but the love is undeniable. I just hope it’s enough for them.

Back to the point, why I decided to have a baby. With Felix, it was about the prospect of not having a baby more than actually having a baby I think. It seemed like, at 25 my time was already being cut short since many of my friends already had school age children. But in reality, several of my friends still hadn’t and didn’t have kids until after I did. Granted most of them were friends of mine that were younger than me. But, once I got married, I just had this feeling. It was a need to have that life that I saw on tv and never had growing up. I never had that family so I decided to make one.

With Fiona, it was about being an only child. Neither of my parents had other children after me (Thank GOD) and so I grew up pretty lonely. No siblings and barely there parents is not at all a fun way to live from about age 7-forever. It still sucks that as an adult I don’t have siblings to share the holidays with or to call when no friend will do. Nobody who understands when I need to vent about my parents because they weren’t there to see my life growing up. Plus? I needed a girl. When I would be out shopping for Felix I’d pass the little dresses and see pink ponies and the yearning to complete my little family by rounding it out with a tiny princess was more than I could bare. Eventually, Julls got on board with that and here we are.

So perfect in pictures. Too bad real life is nothing like that. But I sure thought it was going to be! Me = June Cleaver! I must’ve been on drugs or something. I’m not complaining though. Not today. And now? I’m going to go cuddle with my kids.