I was just reading a blog that I enjoy. The author was telling of how she is superstitious about thinking of bad things that could happen to her family and therefore refuses to let the thoughts enter her mind. I am much the same way. I don’t watch scary or sad movies, I don’t like to think about what-ifs, or maybe’s and any time I catch myself for an instant thinking about how life might be different if my kid wasn’t standing in front of me screaming their head off, I immediately quash it because the pain of even trying to consider life without them is too much to bear.
I typically consider myself a pretty tough chick. I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my 31 years and I’ve come through all of it, but being a mother changed a part of me. My kids are definitely my weakness and when it comes to them nothing else and nobody else matters. I would sacrifice anything and anyone for them. Thank GOD they don’t know that, I’m sure they would find a way to use it to their advantage. I wonder often of other mom’s feel that way. Would you sacrifice your husband for your kids? Your own mother? I would in a heartbeat. Not because I love them any more or less, just differently. My heart beats for my kids and I guess that means maybe I’m not as tough as I use to be, or like to think I am.
That author posted links to some other things, a site that is dedicated to families with babies who were born sleeping, a blog about a woman and her fight against her 4 year old daughter’s eventually fatal cancer. And she encouraged reading them, even begged the question of how could you not. Stating that there’s beauty even in grief. But for me, I turned and ran. I couldn’t click the links. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t bear the pain of those people. So I closed the window and moved on about my day. Because really, I’m not so tough.