I feel like my posts are all over the place. And that’s probably because they are. It’s a great indicator of my ADHD. It’s representative of what it’s like in my head all the time. I have also noticed that I write more when I’m upset, down or vulnerable. You’d think that those are the things I don’t want to write because it’s not what you want to remember when you look back later. But it’s also undeniable truth of what our life is and of the every day that we live it.
Anyway, today is a vulnerable day. I’m worried and excited about our upcoming trip to the states and experiencing all the anxiety one could expect when traveling Space-A. I’m feeling a little left out after my friends had a get together that didn’t include me. I was really not wanting to go anywhere last night anyway so then why do I feel so left out that I wasn’t invited? Why can’t my friends do things without me and me be happy that they were having fun instead of feeling sorry for myself? Why do I have to be so complicated? Annoying.
So Julls and Felix are out getting haircuts and Fiona and I are home, though she is napping. I have a monstrous headache and I am weepy feeling without any other cause. This sucks. I’m definitely ready for a change of scenery and a break from this place. I’m so out of my element living here that I no longer feel grounded in who I am, what that represents or where I’m going in life. I used to have a cause, a mission and lots of self-esteem because of it. A year from now we should be selling off stuff we don’t want in preparation for packers to come. Bring it on. I’m ready for a reinvention of myself. I spend too much time being not happy with the current version of me. I have good days, days that I would defend the me that is until I’m red in the face, but more often I have the today days, where I feel like I’m less. Less than I used to be, less than what is expected of me, and less of who I want to be.