It’s no secret I’ve been struggling with me weight lately. This weather is a drag too. I’m dying for some heat, hot enough where I can lay out in the sun for an hour in a bathing suit and not feel chilled. Its June 1st and it’s still in the 50s and 60s a lot of days. I can’t wait for my trip to Florida. It’s calling me. The sun, the water, my friends and family, I need a real breath of fresh air. I seem to need that a lot lately.
My friend Tamesa left this morning for England. We had her over along with Kim and her family and Brandee and her family for a BBQ on Saturday. I had been invited to go out with the girls to a club to dance and do a last girls night out for Tamesa but I declined. Most of my friends are younger and skinnier than I am and it gets old being the oldest and fattest one all the time. It would be nice to let someone else have the titles for a while. I’m holding on to 20 lbs. I’ve gained in the time I’ve lived here and none of the clothes I wore then fit now. I could blame it on the baby but that would be crap since she will be 15 months old tomorrow. I just don’t know how to get it together. When I deprive myself I just end up bingeing later.
After not going to ladies night I had everyone over to my house for a BBQ so I could be hostess and feel good about myself, the food, my home, the things that give me self-esteem when I’m surrounded by younger, skinnier, girls. I don’t think I’m ugly but being fat and older makes me feel a lot less attractive. Anyway, the BBQ went well and I was happy with it, and at the end we all decided to go camping the next night. I’ve been wanting to go for over a year and I was very excited.
So camping day comes around and by the end of the night everyone is drinking and having a good time and again I feel like the outcast because I get ill whenever I have alcohol ever since my gastric bypass surgery. I can’t drink. So now I’m the oldest, fattest, and the heavy because I’m sober, and it’s not any fun to be the sober one. So I drank….and I puked. Awesome. Next morning we decide to utilize the camp’s swimming pool and what the HELL was I thinking? Why am I getting in a swim suit with the younger skinnier women? Its like I’m a glutton for punishment or something. All I can say is that I’m glad I’m the one with the dynamite camera because I managed to make it through the whole weekend and not be in a single picture since I took all the pictures.
The worst part is, that because they’ve never been there, they can’t even begin to grasp the concept when I try to talk about my struggles. There’s so much more to being overweight, so many more complications than just finding clothes that fit, people have no clue. Things too personal for me to mention here but if you know me personally I’m betting we’ve discussed those details more in-depth. The point it, when I try to talk about it, and the skinny girls just shrug it off and say things like, NO WAY! You’re not fat! You look fine! It makes it so much worse, because they are lying to my face and it makes me feel even more depressed. What am I supposed to do? Only hang out with chubby girls? I don’t choose my friends that way, so obviously not. I guess the right answer is to do something about what I don’t like about myself, but if it were that easy to just declare it and do it I supposed I already would have done it. So depressing to think about.
Lord: help me in my struggles with the demon. Help me to gain control over my mind and my body and to make decisions that will help me reach my goal of being fit, and getting my size and weight under control. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.