My husband has major issues. I have major issues. When we get together, its like that Eminem song when a hurricane meets a volcano. I feel like we are often in crisis. Being married is hard. Really hard. I always wonder if its like this for other people. The ones who look all happy and perfect on the outside. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in their houses one night, just to really know if the facade is real.
Nobody really likes to talk about that part when people talk about getting married. The ugly stuff. My mom told me it would be like this but I didn’t listen to her. I was biased. I figured, marriage isn’t hard, just being married for her was hard. See, my mom is hard to get along with. Ask ANYONE who’s known her and they will tell you. For this reason, among 1,ooo others I don’t listen to my mom much. And I fucking hate it when she’s right.
After meeting my husband’s family and learning their dynamic I can see deep into who he is and why. Most of the time I don’t like it, what he is. Most of the time I don’t like him. After all, I do need someone to blame for why that day sucked so bad. Why a lot of days suck so bad. But somehow, I can’t picture myself without him. He’s the yin to my yang. I really feel like my life would be incomplete if he weren’t in it. He drives me completely insane most days. We yell at each other and call each other names and bitch and piss and moan about our lives and yet here we still are, day after day, and neither of us is inclined to walk away from it. Could our lives have been so screwed up growing up that this is what we accept as normal? Will we spend the rest of our lives completely screwed up together? Probably.
My one worry is the kids. I don’t want them to ever be like us. We are both damaged goods. From broken homes. But we’re making it. We’ve both accomplished a lot in life considering the beginnings. Julls mom is a tough lady. I admire her for a lot of things. I get mad at her for a lot of things, because of what it made Julls in to. Things from Julls past that I want to go back and change for him. My parents were/are super screwed up, but thankfully my grandparents held it all together for me growing up. I get mad at my parents a lot too. For all their mistakes that screwed me all up.
We are walking disasters inside a lot of the time. Fairly normal on the outside. Other times we are completely normal all the way through. We are just both very emotional. Mostly Julls and I were well taken care of physical needs-wise growing up, spoiled a bit probably. But emotionally? We’re messy. At least we look good on paper. That’s something, right? But there is love. In our house. Every day. We love our kids. We love each other. We love the life we’ve created for ourselves. It looks pretty normal from the outside. It feels really good on the inside sometimes. Stolen moments of pure bliss. The laughter of the kids, an inside joke. There is definitely love. There’s no denying that part. It gets us through that messy part that nobody talks about. Real life.