Musings…Reflections…Thoughts by TK

My life. My journey. My version. The way I see it.

Things I Wrote and Never Published February 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — thoughtsbytk @ 9:56 pm


A strange smell has creeped its way into our hotel room. Its smells like the pot roast i made mixed with a stank arm pit and B.O., what the hell??? God save us.


Everyone is writing on their Facebooks about 9/11 today but how many of them were there? How many of them could really understand the devastation that those people still feel? There was an article today on MSN about the kids who lost parents that day and how its affected them as they become adults. I’ve never experienced anything on that level and can’t imagine what they feel. I’ve never tragically lost someone who was part of my every day life. That’s a blessing from God above people. I’m so thankful that I can’t relate to these people. I watched the news that day and I was watching the television as the second plane hit and I cried so hard for tragedy I was seeing but it was television and though it was real it could have been a movie in terms of the way I experienced it. I cried because I felt violated and because I was afraid of what could happen next but thank God I didn’t cry for the loss of anyone I loved that day.


So I shut the door between the two efficiencies that our awesome German hotel owner landlord calls a family apartment and even though the windows are closed, the door keeps creaking open and shut as I sit here and type about it. Its like, breathing, and its freaking me the hell out. I hate this place. Why can’t my flippin house be ready yet???


We are settling into our new house. I started to feel Fiona moving at around 19 weeks and she has become a little ninja in there kicking and punching in the mean time. Our new schrank is being delivered tonight and we may actually get the house in order in the next few weeks. I have fallen behind in my school work and need to catch up badly. I’m sick with a deep chest cough and basic misery and I’m not sure what it is yet. The crib bedding was delivered today and we also took a trip to Ramstein and came home with a new surround sound system. We should NOT have spent the money but it will be nice to enjoy movies more since that is primarily what we get to watch considering how AFN sucks. Felix is growing up fast and talks more and more and develops his own opinions quickly. He likes to pick out his clothes and express his desires for things and certainly isn’t shy to express his dislike for things. I love him so much and long for him during parts of the day when he is at school. I feel like time is going by too fast and I’m missing something. Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be here before we know it and then Fiona will follow and life will be forever changed for us. I hope it’s a good as I’m thinking it will be. Our little family, in our little home and all happy together. That’s really all I’ve ever wanted in this life.


The house is really started coming together. Julls mom is here visiting for Christmas. We got our pics done and they turned out ok but we will be sure to do it earlier next time. My belly has gotten huge and Fiona looks like an alien in my gut trying to escape. Shes’s supposed to get pretty big, about 8 lbs at birth now, yikes. I stay tired but I’m trying to stay active all the way through. I should start walking a lot more. By the time she arrives our house should be really settled and nice looking. I took incompletes in my classes in order to finish early next month. The pressure was more than I could take for the holidays so I caved. I’ll still finish before my 30th birthday and before the baby comes and that’s whats the most important. Felix is amazing. He’s growing so fast and developing his personality, becoming a real individual. Many days though he is still my little baby.


Fiona’s Arrival – I had a morning appointment on 3/1 with Dr. Jerono. I asked him to strip my membranes. Just after lunch time I started with contractions about 30 minutes apart. By 11pm my contractions were 15 minutes apart and I conversed with Glenda on Yahoo Messenger. We chatted and continued to time my contractions until they were 4-6 minutes apart around 2am on 3/2. Not wanting to take Felix to Tamesa and Aaron’s without knowing for sure if the baby was coming, Julls picked up Glenda and brought her to our house and had her take me to the hospital while he stayed home with Felix. Labor and delivery decided to admit me and around 5am, Julls took Felix to the Harrington’s and relieved Glenda of her duty’s with me at the hospital.

My progression was slow but steady and the nurse gave me pitocin. I also got an epidural.  Around noon the doctor on duty came in to check me and decided to break my water.  After an hour I was fully dilated and fully effaced. I asked the nurse if it was time to start pushing and she said yes. She went to retrieve the doctor and prepped the room for delivery. When we started to deliver it took only three pushes and the baby was out. Fiona Alexandria Kohl was born at 1:22pm weighing 7 pounds 1 ounce and was 19.6 cm long.

Once we arrived home, we had a rough time. Fiona cried often and we were all very stressed out. My dad and Mary were here for a visit and were real life savers. They played with Felix and gave me breaks from the crying baby. I assumed she had colic but that was not really the issue, though she does have it. She was unable to get full from breastfeeding and her cries were hunger related. By her two week appointment she had lost a pound and the doctor ordered I follow up every feeding with 2-3 ounces of formula. Heartbroken I followed the doctor’s orders and she began to thrive and the crying ceased. She still has digestive issues but she is a much happier baby.

The next day, the whole family, including my dad and Mary took a trip to Vianden, Luxembourg and toured the castle and ate from two bakeries. The baby did great the whole time.

The doctor also noticed that she was tongue tied. I consulted the pediatric dentist and we had her frenulum clipped the day she turned one month old. I’m not sure how much is has helped anything. We still have problems breastfeeding and I’m left feeling impotent and inadequate as a mother and as a woman.

We have mostly spent quiet days at home since she has been with us, getting to know one another and just working on becoming a family of four. Felix has had some issues with regression. He tells us NO and has begun to potty in his pants again. He’s getting into trouble at school and demanding all of Brandy’s attention.  I really hope it’s a phase…a short one. I’m looking forward to all of us establishing our place in the family and figuring out how we all fit together now.

My mom is here for a visit. It’s going as expected; Empty promises of helping out around the house and paying special attention to the kids. She’s been helpful some with the baby but not spent the quality time she promised with Felix. Its Monday and she got here Saturday. We’ve had an argument every day since she arrived. My feelings towards her are hateful and my body seems to react physically to it. Being in her presence disgusts me and I’ve lost all respect for her both as a person and as my mother. I wish it wasn’t like this but I really don’t know how it can be any different.


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