Just called my dad to tell him about the birthday party and to let him know that I had put the pictures up for it online. He’s been to Guatemala 2-3 times since we’ve been in Germany. He came once to visit us when Fiona was born. He just told me that he’s going to Guatemala again in April. They called from there and asked him to come April 5th.
I asked him, “So all I have to do is call and ask you to come, and you’ll come?” He asked me if I had a church that needs to be built. I said no, just grandkids who love and miss you.
Meanwhile I’m planning an expensive trip home in June to go see him. He can’t even promise that he won’t have to work on the days I’ll be there. I feel like I’m putting forth all the effort in keeping him in our kids lives. Between that, and the version of my mother that’s left, that I don’t really have parents anymore. I have no strong family ties. Nowhere to go for the holidays. No roots, no traditions. And it makes me sad.
It could be a lot worse having an alcoholic drug addict turned saved religious fanatic for a father and a bipolar Xanax addict for a mother. But right this second, it doesn’t feel like it. I know they love us and the kids but I feel so very unfulfilled by these relationships. It’s not what I want. But you can’t break up with parents. And I don’t want to. I want them to be different. But they aren’t different. And they never will be. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it.